CIA Reports WMD Found

WASHINGTON - Preliminary to his final report for the CIA, Charles Duelfer announced today that after two years of searching, the CIA has located WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland.

"It's, like, all over the fucking place," Duelfer said. "I was flabbergasted."

Noting that the weapons were "being stored" in "metal buildings," Duelfer expressed surprise that they had not been found in previous searches for WMD.

"I mean, it's not like the buildings don't look suspicious," he said, adding that they dot the landscape of the undisguised military base "in a gridlike pattern. It's very clear from that satellite imagery."

The weapons found primarily consist of mustard agent, though Duelfer hinted that the Iraq Survey Group suspects that "like, tons" of sarin chemical munitions are being stored at US military bases in Okinawa and Germany. Mustard and sarin chemical agents were most famously used by Saddam Hussein against the Kurds in Halabja in 1989.

"You wouldn't believe the shit they've got out there," Duelfer said, adding that "we think they've even got nukes--thousands of them--somewhere out west. That shit will make your head spin."

According to a 1994 US Senate report, US companies, at the behest of the Reagan administration, exported biological and chemical materials, including bacillus anthracis (which causes anthrax) and clostridium botulinum (the source of botulism).

The report also noted that US exports to Iraq included the precursors to chemical warfare agents, plans for chemical and biological warfare facilities and chemical warhead filling equipment.

Duelfer's final report on the findings of the Iraq Survey Group is expected "soon."

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