Tropical Shitstorm Karl Buffets Virginia, Maryland

WASHINGTON - Tropical shitstorm Karl buffeted the coasts of Virginia and Maryland today as residents of the coast and the nation's capital prepared for landfall.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (or NOAA) acknowledged the existence of the storm but declined to provide details about it. "I think our views on the storm are clear," NOAA spokesperson Alvin Sprechscheisse told reporters at a press conference today. "It would not be appropriate for me to get into the details of the storm at this time because information is still coming in," he continued. "When NOAA researchers have had time to sort through all the data, ideally once the storm has fully come ashore, then it will be appropriate for me to comment."

When pressed for more information to help residents prepare for the storm, Sprechscheisse said, "Information is still coming in. NOAA cannot rely for its information on initial media reports."

Some D.C. area residents were perturbed by the lack of information.

"That's just ridiculous," said Tawani Shinkoku, a resident of Fairfax, Virginia. "How are we supposed to prepare for a shitstorm that big if we don't know what to expect?" The last shitstorm, William, ruined Shinkoku's car and forced her to leave the home of her birth. "There was so much shit, we couldn't get out of the living room," she said. "We could barely get away from the TV."

Shitstorm William, which ground its way across Virginia and Maryland in 1998, resulted in tens of thousands of refugees flooding into areas as diverse as Kentucky, North Carolina and New York.

It is unclear whether Shitstorm Karl will be that severe, as NOAA has yet to determine wind speed. They insist, however, that Karl has not yet become a hurricane. Senior NOAA officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, have speculated that the shitstorm may strengthen into a category four hurricane, with wind speeds from 131 to 155 mph, and may make landfall within sixteen weeks.

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