Seeking Telekinetic, Lobster-Clawed White Boy

I meant to post this Craig's List ad last weekend but got sidetracked. It's since been removed, but it's too funny not to pass on:

I am in a bit of a conundrum in my attempts, which as of yet have been in vain, to discover the perfect male specimen that will best suit my feminine needs. Since being too vague will only result in a slew of unwarranted responses, I have come to the conclusion that the best result will only be achieved through a proper filtration device. Using advanced methods of calculus and snippets from modern theories of physics, I have mapped out a formula that should deliver unto me an exact and unequivocal mate. I have cataloged a precise and tedious set of credentials that one must possess from head to toe if there is to be any chance of a mutual encounter. So without further ado...

First and foremost I want a white man, but not any white man. I want a white man with the natural musk of an Indian man. "India" Indian, not Native American Indian. The poetic essence of curry makes my nipples perspire. But I don't like brown skin, so sorry my Hindu friend.

Secondly I need a man who is skilled in the art of kung fu. There are many different styles and he should be familiar with them all. He must also speak at least 12 Chinese dialects, and considering there are hundreds, I am not under the impression this is too much to ask for. There will be a test and I will not bend.

Next he should be able to communicate with animals. Okay, mammals, since I am aware that the lower part of the animal kingdom is somewhat lacking in declarative skills. I mean, conversing with fish is just plain silly.

I also want a man who can generate molecular friction with his mind, or in layman's terms, is telekinetic. If you've seen the movie "Fire Starter" you know what I'm talking about. But you must have absolute control, for my G-spot is notoriously sensitive.

He ought to have a lobster claw as one of his hands. I know this is rare, but hey, deal with it.

And lastly he must, and I stress "must", be able to eat coal and defecate diamonds. This will be a definite deal breaker. You may call me picky but I may call you fag.

Those are my qualifications. If you do not own up to each of these attributes don't waste your time. I hope I haven't damaged too many egos and ids. God I rule so hard it fucking hurts.

P.S. No Fatties!!!