The Ineluctable Question

I understand everybody's wondering if I'm going to run in '08. To reiterate my position, I'm going to take time over the holidays to talk over the possibilities. There's ample reason for this. For one, my lesbian Massachusetts remarried ex-wife would come under even more scrutiny for her investment in fur-seal factory farming. Two, despite my children being full-grown, I have been repeatedly smeared for their DUIs and child-molestation slip-ups (c'mon, everyone makes mistakes)--acts for which I was not responsible, despite my investment in their adult video venture. Three, no matter how many times I point it out, my two girlfriends and one boyfriend (again, the Hodgkins is not my fault) disavowed those snuff films and they are bisexual, not gay. And as for my goat, it began nuzzling up to me before I ever wore that costume, let alone started giving Bessie mulled wine. Last time I ran, the liberal media tore me apart for no reason at all--aside from the allegations of heroin smuggling and snorting coke off my former hooker receptionist's recently altered breasts.

Finally, I would like to thank Joe Lieberman for helping me staff my exploratory committee. I will accept their decision, no matter how painful, when they finish their month of spelunking in the caverns southern Mexico.

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