I know some of you are squeamish about the way the war has been conducted, but because of the seriousness of this conflict, it's imperative that we stand united against the enemy, the 49% of "Americans" who voted the wrong way. That's why we all need to hold our heads high and, as we mingle with other "Americans," keep the following in mind:
- Don't criticize the conduct of the war. Remember: There've been some rough spots, but we're on the right track and we're looking forward to Iraqi elections on Jan. 30th. Freedom is on the march.
- Don't express doubts about whether the war should've been waged. If you catch yourself thinking this, ask yourself whether America and the world would be better off with Saddam Hussein in power. If someone expresses doubts to you, ask them the same question.
- Don't say that we "tortured" anyone. Remember: If enhanced interrogation techniques will prevent just one beheading by evildoers, it's worth beating any number of Arabs, subjecting them to dog bites, forcing them to perform simulated fellatio or form naked-man pyramids. Cheerleaders form pyramids, too, and there's nothing wrong with a little hazing—it's a form of male bonding, if you think about it.
- Don't say that the war in Iraq might have been off-target for the War on Terror (and never say what it might've been on-target for). Remember: Vice President Cheney said repeatedly, along with Secretary Rumsfeld, that there were links between al-Qaeda and Saddam's regime.
- Don't say we didn't find any Weapons of Mass Destruction. Remember: the CIA led us to believe that Iraq possessed such weapons. And even if Iraq didn't have them, they still had the intent and capability to produce them. If someone mentions that other nations also had that intent and capability, ask them pointedly if they think America and the world would be better off with Saddam Hussein in power. And insist that Saddam's regime was a danger to the world and to the region.