Finally, a Nice Bed of Nails to Lie on

The dominatrix down the block moved to L.A. last week, to further her career in the pain-inflicting arts. The week before she moved, she started leaving decor and pieces of furniture on the sidewalk for us poor, misfortunate bastards to cart away. My girlfriend and I stopped by to check out the inventory. Although we were disappointed in the quality of the rugs she'd left, my girlfriend expressed a great deal of interest in the bed of nails resting by the front door. It was about 3'x3' and made of thick, rough plywood. A wide white cross had been spray-painted on it, with a pale red spot at the end of each arm of the cross. She thought it would look great on her wall. We toyed with the idea of calling or emailing the dominatrix about it, but in the end decided it would be more fun to steal it.

The night we did, my girlfriend's mother was in town and had just taken us to dinner. On the way back to my apartment, she pointed out the bed of nails to her (obviously cool) mother. She was amused. When we got inside, my girlfriend introduced her mother to the dog and the kittens while I went after the bed of nails. When I got to the dominatrix's house, I noticed that my girlfriend had followed me. She and I looked over the fresh loot the dominatrix had put on the sidewalk that evening. In addition to the worn rugs, there were two huge syringes and a wheelchair—a boon.

My girlfriend acting as lookout, I snuck around the side of the porch and lifted the bed of nails over the railing. It was surprisingly heavy. Once I got it back down to my level, near my face, I realized why she'd left it on the porch.

It reeked. Of piss.

But I wasn't about to put it back. So I ran home, my girlfriend running behind me, pushing the wheelchair. It's not easy running while carrying a large, heavy object that you don't want to let slip for fear of impaling yourself. But I managed. When we got home, we showed it to my girlfriend's mother and then put it flat on the porch, behind some plants, so it would neither attract attention nor stink up my living room.

If anyone's interested in purchasing a solid wheelchair at a good price, let me know....